Over the years, have you noticed if your dating history has a specific pattern? Maybe it’s chasing after emotionally unavailable people (remember Miss Bradshaw?) Or maybe it’s fleeing the minute your relationship takes a serious turn (classic Mr Big). With all this running and chasing around, it’s exhilarating to think that you might be in a twin flame relationship. While that can be true in very few cases, however, in most of the cases, it’s your attachment style at play.
Attachment style means the way you act with others around you—from family to relationships and workplaces too. This attachment style is formed at the very beginning stages of your life. To be precise, your relationship with your mother or your caregiver in the first eighteen months of being an infant determines how you act with the rest of the world. So much for not letting the past define you?
There are four types of attachment styles. On a side note, please keep in mind that even if you have any of the insecure attachment styles, it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. It’s very common in half the population and there’s always a way of dealing with it and becoming better.
If you have this attachment style then we’re very envious of you! As it suggests, you’re very secure — in your relationships and in yourself. Trusting your partner is not troublesome for you. Opening up about your emotions is easy too. Personal relationships are handled well, but you’re not scared of being alone either. Along with trusting others, you trust yourself too. Continue being the same and offer fruitful relationships and life advice to your friends, spread that security around a bit!
In any relationship, it’s very common to fear breakups or being abandoned. However, if the fear starts taking over your life then it is a sign of an anxious attachment style. Other common signs are clinginess, constant reassurance, and the need for approval. Low self-esteem can lead you to worship someone you’re attracted to. It’s easy to confuse worshipping as love, but it is not the same. Worshipping takes place when you see yourself as lower to them whereas love is equal. Due to this, you’re prone to find yourself in one-sided situations. Karan Johar portrayed this type of relationship well in Ae Dil Hai Mushkil.
Fret not, because there’s always a way of dealing with it. Our first suggestion for you is to seek therapy. We can provide effective ways and tips but therapy can help you better. Our advice for you is to learn to let go. Let go of the fear that you’re holding onto from the past. To have a better future, heal from your past.
Communicate with your partner, let them know your worries and triggers. Lastly, if the anxiety continues then it might not be you, it could be unreliable people in your life. Choose to be with people that make you feel emotionally safe. Keep in mind to work on your self-esteem and confidence.
Being single is amazing. However, chronically choosing to be single could be a sign of avoidant attachment style. You’re the master of hookup culture because what’s more appealing than having your fun and then never seeing those people again? You have difficulty opening up and letting people close to you. As a result, you prefer keeping relationships on a superficial level and if it starts getting serious, you completely close off. You trust yourself well but you have difficulty trusting others.
To deal with this, you must first connect with yourself and your emotions. Understand that having feelings does not make you weak or stupid. It’s human. Learn to express and talk about your emotions. It might seem threatening but it is okay to let people in.
For people with disorganised attachment styles, it is difficult to trust themselves as well as others. You’re constantly worried about being hurt by your loved ones.
Feeling unsafe, walking on eggshells, constantly apologising are some of the common signs. You have a chronic fear that the one you love might change its colours one day.
While it’s difficult to live with disorganised attachment, you can work towards being better. Disorganised attachment is considered to be difficult of the three, so it is advised that you seek therapy. To heal on your own, be a part of communities that make you feel safe. Communities such as a listening group, mental health volunteer groups etc. When you find people you feel safe with, you will gradually learn to trust people. Work on your self-esteem and learn to trust yourself well too.
Also Read: How your attachment style affects your virtual life